Tag Archive | Men

Ego and Control

Incident 1. Location : College

Male Colleague : I have to go home but I haven’t brought my vehicle today. Can you take me with you as your home is on that route?

Me: Sure. Come.

Male Colleague : I will drive. You sit behind.

Me : *gets off the vehicle*

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Machismo and Crying

Recently, I had a discussion on crying with Prateek and he declared that guys who cry are not sensitive but sissy. And he even wrote a blog post “Guys don’t cry” to explain his stand. In his post he has cited 5 reasons why guys should not cry in the form of 5 situations. Like a guy should not cry for love or when someone dies etc etc. Anyway, as I strongly disagree to this conservative/orthodox belief, I decided to express my views and ask readers & visitors their opinions. There is an opinion poll at the end of the post. Do participate!

Three types of tears are generated by the human eye. Basal tears protect the eye and keep it moist. Reflex tears flush out the eye when it becomes irritated. And emotional tears flow in response to sadness, distress, or physical pain.

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Detached Father

Few days back, one of my colleagues (from now M) became a father. He wasn’t ready to get married in the arranged manner in the first place. But coming from a orthodox family he got married to a not yet graduate 21 yr old girl, 7 yrs younger to him and got a laptop & cash etc in dowry. We wouldn’t have come to know that his wife was pregnant if one of his friends hadn’t let the cat out of the bag. He wasn’t at all mentally prepared to be a father but that also happened. [This becoming parents within one year of marriage topic..some other day some other post]. Following the traditions, the pregnant wife went to her parent’s home in January and the husband didn’t go to see her once during these last 5-6 months. The baby arrived on 6 June. Again following the traditions the wife will come back in the month of Sawaan (according to Hindu calender). M will go to bring her back then and as he’ll be going then, he isn’t going now to see his newborn son. Instead M’s elder brother and dad are going!! Even when M is having a long vacation right now.
I’m amazed and shocked beyond words!! How can a father not feel the urge, the restlessness to see his newborn especially first born son? How can he not jump onto the next train to visit his wife and baby especially when money and time are no restraints? How can a wife be cool with this type of situation where the father of the child chooses not to come even when circumstances are favourable? How can a tradition allow a wife to become mother without the father and her husband by her side? Even if the wife longs to see her husband or wants him to come she has to suppress her desires because in our society somehow we are discouraged from showing love towards our spouse openly and especially in front of elder people. What type of father will he turn out to be when he doesn’t feel “I should be the first to see the child”? Instead M says “I heard he has taken after me. So what to see now?”

If there were some pressing matters, then I would have understood. But this? I don’t understand at all!! One thing I know I’m not going to compromise to such a situation and keep quiet if my husband is conveniently unavailable at such a crucial time. As if its a burden which only I have to bear!!

I disregard any such traditions and hollow beliefs that don’t let the husband take care of his pregnant wife and thus don’t let the father grow attached to the coming child. And I also don’t think highly of such fathers who just become so for the heck of it and don’t live upto the responsibilties and honour of the relation.

P.S. Image credited to Raissa Davis.

Pro-Men Indian Customs

Today is Jamai Shashthi i.e. Son-in-law day. Its a day in Bengali tradition; held every year in the Bengali month of Jaishtha; when the “Jamai” is treated with the best of the delicacies. The son-in-law is invited well in advance for the occasion. And when the daughter & son-in-law arrive, a few rituals are performed. The son-in-law also gets gifts from the mother-in-law. Basically a day to celebrate one’s son-in-law.
This got me thinking that why don’t we have a day to celebrate daughter-in-laws in India? A son-in-law who has taken away the daughter, sometimes even taking money to do that and maybe even mistreats one’s daughter is invited and showered with gifts!! And one burns the daughter-in-law if she has brought insufficient dowry!! Why don’t we celebrate the girl who has left her parents to be a daughter to the new family too and to look after one’s son and bear his child, who by the way carries your family name not hers. She even gives up her identity by adopting her husband’s surname and is not able to look after her own parents often. But she is not appreciated or celebrated with one special day just in her name. Most thankless relation I say! I demand a “Bahu” i.e. Daughter-in-law day! When I become one I too want to get gifts and eat my favorite dishes on that day. If he (my future hubby) gets it I want it too. So there!

Taking this further, why are there so many symbols an Indian girl has to wear to show she’s married? To declare she is someone else’s property or taken or back off to everyone?? There’s red bindi

sindoor or vermilion to be worn on forehead,
mangalsutra (a necklace made of black beads and gold),
a bichiya or toe ring
and red churis or bangles!!!
I mean there should be no doubt left of an Indian women’s marital status in Indian society!!!
But what about our men? No, they don’t wear anything which may indicate their marital status except maybe their pot-bellies when in middle age!! Why this discrimination? This is one of the things I like about Christianity that they have wedding bands for both husband and wife.
Atleast one can accuse one’s husband in case he has an affair and the girl thinks he is single that “why did u take off your wedding band?” In Indian society there is no option at all!! Totally unfair I say!! What if I make my husband wear a ring with my name engraved on it ? Nice idea, eh?

Last but not the least, the tradition of Karwa Chauth and Vat Savitri Vrat which are different types of fasts Indian women are supposed to keep for the long life of their husbands and marital harmony!!! I suppose keeping them will solve problems of those women who are physically abused by drunk husbands? And a fast will ensure long life? Then why isn’t there such a fast for the husbands to keep? Do they want their wives to die early? The desire for life long companionship and efforts to achieve that, even if religious in nature, should be on both sides of the sacred bond of marriage.

Man of Few Words

Therefore, since brevity is the soul of wit, And tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes, I will be brief.
~William Shakespeare, Hamlet

Please click and read the enlarged view if not clear

While browsing a matrimonial website together for obvious reasons [recent past time of my Dad, me a poor victim. Sigh!] we came across this profile. And it just reminded me of what Shakespeare said. Ahem!!…95% compatibility….Errr…Excuse me Dad for rejecting a qualified guy who is full of so much wit but it looks like I’ll be in constant struggle to meet some pre-defined high standards and will be compared at every step. Thats only one reason. No comments further….everyone is entitled to write as little or as much possible in “about me” sections of a matrimonial profile. :D :D

P.S. Guys are MASHA-ALLAH!

Shame! Shame!

I’d decided the world would never come to know of a recent and one of the most embarrassing incidents that happened to me . But then by not sharing I lost the opportunity to rant about men. So first the incident then the ranting.

Few days back the college where I work was a center for candidates appearing in Pre-Medical Entrance Exam. The candidates ranged from general category to the reserved, urban to rural and intelligent enough to understand instructions to the dumbest. We, the lecturers, had been assigned as invigilators. Now, each floor has 4 bathrooms at its corner…for girls, ladies staff, gents staff and boys and has that written boldly in red at top. Before the exam started, I went to freshen myself in the ladies staff one and just as I went inside the already open door, a young boy (must be candidate) was answering nature’s call!!! I rushed out shouting “its ladies bathroom” and went straight to the assigned exam room.. [Yeah laugh at my plight!!] Thank God he had his back towards me!!!

Later in retrospect, I thought why was I feeling embarrassed with no fault of mine and I was disgusted at the non existence of the feeling of shame in most Indian Males (or maybe all males of world). Even if the boy had entered the wrong bathroom and didn’t even know that there are separate facilities in cities/colleges; still he should have locked the door not out of manners or etiquette but out of shame. As I analyzed further, I remembered the common sight of men(any age group) answering nature’s call by roadside or on a wall and mostly not hidden from view. For pictorial depiction you can see here.

One may argue that maybe men have less bladder control than women but anatomically speaking women are supposed to have less bladder control. But do we see women sitting on road side? Maybe the poor and illiterate women are seen but males of any class & any age can be seen. They consider it their birthright. The trouble we girls have to face when we go on a picnic or trip!!! We have to take a friend (girl) along to stand guard against any Peeping Toms. Why us? Men don’t have to worry about such problems.

So is this habit a result of the difference in upbringing of the male child and the female child in Indian society? Do we encourage our sons to become shameless by allowing them to bath openly or roam around without wearing vests? Is covering up essential only for the girls? Is lajja or shame meant exclusively for women? Is decency a feminine virtue?

Why is it wrong for girls to wear low waist jeans and not for men? I don’t like seeing or knowing about the brand of brief they wear!!! Another example.. this attitude “We are men. We don’t need to hide” is so expressed in the design of Men’s bathroom (note: no personal experience..as seen in movies and asked guy friends) which is different from the Ladies’ in matters of privacy.

Of course the Govt is to blame for not providing public utilities along the road on an infrastructural basis and for not maintaining those which are provided. One factor is the so called lack of funds for such a trivial thing when we have bigger problems to deal with like price rise and poverty. Another may be that are not most of the politicians male and have the same attitude towards “shame”? Thus they feel no need to provide such a basic amenity even in slum areas. There is an old joke about this Indian habit. You can read the joke and a good rant about this habit and another famous Indian habit of spitting here.

I admit its fine when one goes long distance driving like from one city to city. But in normal circumstances why can’t you just stop at a restaurant/petrol station or hold it till you reach wherever you are going? And for God’s sake look if its for men or women & for Shame’s sake Lock The Door!!!

P.S. Some (like a very dear guy friend of mine) may think “what an absurd topic!” but its My Blog and I can rave and rant about whatever I feel like. So there!

"Sanctity of Cricket"

The recent controversy on cheerleaders performing in India Premier League cricket matches inspired me to write this post. Cheerleaders, many imported from abroad, were hired to liven up India’s new $900 million domestic cricket league in which eight teams play a shortened version of the traditional game. The cheerleaders have been introduced into the IPL as part of moves to add glamour and entertainment to the game. The sight of many foreign women and Indians dancing in high boots and skimpy shorts sparked anger from both Hindu nationalists, who opposed their open sexuality, and some leftist parties who said it crudely copied Western culture.

One of the nation’s leaders Mr.BT even said “the sanctity of cricket has been lost as the promoters have turned the stadium into a dance bar and the cheer girls have been brought to seduce the crowd.”

For crying out loud, since when cricket rather any sport was a holy game?? Some games are “holey” but definitely not a single game is holy!!! Are we supposed to go to stadium like we go to a temple? Is watching cricket going to replace visits to temple? Are our cricketers replacing our Gods? First of all cricket is not an indigenous game…its an after effect of the British Raj in India. And Mr.BT of all the people should not create a hullabaloo. He is the father of the protest against celebration of Valentine’s Day in India because its Western culture. Second, what this thing of Marathis against dance bars? Its just a supply to the demand. Third what seduction are you talking about? Its an open stadium not some private strip club. Don’t you seduce potential voters by hollow words? Seduction is everywhere Mr.BT, in various forms of varying degree.


He also said “At a time when farmers in Vidarbha and Marathwada region are committing suicide because they are burdened by debts, it is not clear what the people, who are pumping money to bring cheer girls, want to convey.”

Ohh is that so, Mr.BT? What do people try to convey when they pump enormous amounts of money in holding rallies and election campaigns for you? What about the time when your followers and henchmen destroy public properties and nowadays fellow Indians? All that comes from the taxpayers’ money,Sir. When so many politicians are “pumping” money outside to Swiss accounts and “pimping” India’s valuable resources, then what is the harm in pumping money in creating cheer and pimping cricket? What did you do when you were in power to stop these suicides? If all the followers and supporters were put to work, the annual flooding of Mumbai can be stopped by cleaning all waste.

Indian police say the organizers of the new tournament transforming world cricket could be fined if cheerleaders are deemed to be dressed indecently. Organizers could be fined for violating the norms of the entertainment licence they had secured for allowing performances in the stadium.

I do not say that the cheer leaders are not skimpily dressed. They do wear very short skirts and display midriffs. My point is that its not such a critical matter that it should have been discussed in the Parliament. When an important issue is to be discussed or a bill has to be voted upon, our MPs are absent or too busy breaking furniture of the House. But they consider this issue important enough to be discussed. Whereas each one of them secretly enjoys displays of flesh and I’m sure several of them have many skeletons in their cupboards. Are there no norms of the entertainment provided by movies? Because if the cheer leaders could be fined for indecent dressing then our heroines like “Marathi Manoos” Urmila Matondkar should be fined for films like Rangeela, …or Kareena Kapoor for Tashan…..Bipasha Basu, Udita Goswami…..the list is endless….

An actor-turned politician lashed out at organizers of IPL matches for bringing cheerleaders to the stadiums and making a “mockery” of cricket. He said it was “difficult to find cricket in these matches”. He appealed to the cricketing bosses to seriously ponder over the issue to save the glory of the great sport.

Dear Sir, if you would take your eyes off the cheerleaders you would find mostly cricket in 4-5 hrs duration. Aren’t sports like basketball or football where the cheerleaders originally perform glorious or great enough? Or because they have cheerleaders, these games are not serious enough?

A minister of Maharashtra has said “We live in India where womanhood is worshipped. How can anything obscene like this be allowed?

Oh my god!!! Well I suppose this worship can be understood from this information…..

Rape is a social disease in India. Hardly a day passes without a case of rape being reported in Indian newspapers and media. Women belonging to low castes, and tribal women are more at risk. What is sad about rape in India is the lack of seriousness with which the crime is often treated.Statistics from 2000 showed that on average a woman is raped every hour in India.

According to a recent report by the United Nations Children’s Fund (UNICEF) up to 50 million girls and women are missing from India’ s population as a result of systematic gender discrimination in India. In most countries in the world, there are approximately 105 female births for every 100 males. In India, there are less than 93 women for every 100 men in the population.

Diagnostic teams with ultrasound scanners which detect the sex of a child advertise with catchlines such as spend 600 rupees now and save 50,000 rupees later.

And dont even get me started on eve teasing. What worship are you talking about Mr.Minister? Celebrating Navratri or Durga Puja can’t be counted as worship of womanhood. How can you allow more obscene scenes and dialogues in Hindi movies which is seen by the Indian family more than cricket? Stop being a hypocrite.

“The manner in which semi-clad girls keep shaking their limbs is in bad taste,” said another leader of a hardline Hindu nationalist party.

What about the song “Dhak Dhak” or “Choli ke Pichhe” by another “Marathi Manoos” Madhuri Dixit? Infact what about every other song in Bollywood movies? These cheerleaders are shaking only their limbs,if you know what I mean. We should be thankful for that.

There have been reports in the Indian newspapers of cheerleaders complaining of sections of the crowd jeering at them and making lewd comments.

This news item is another example of the famous worship of womanhood. Why can’t Indian men show decency towards these professional cheerleaders and just watch and enjoy? Why do they assume that when a woman is dressing skimpily she is looking for trouble and naturally inviting comments and cat calls and find it justified to tease her? And this goes even for a girl wearing a very decent top and jeans.

At a time where there is acute shortage of water and inflation is hitting hard, our leaders are busy watching cheerleaders and then creating a unnecessary issue quoting the “Indian culture” as always and still continuing to watch sneakily. The fault mostly lies in cameramen on the field. They take close ups of these cheer leaders at various inappropriate angles and are crucial to sparking this controversy.

And is our hundreds of year old Indian culture so weak that few cheer leaders can destroy it? It definitely is not.

Spoilt Indian Men

I had a lunch invitation at a colleague’s place….non-veg lunch so only the colleagues who either eat non-veg or have no problem sitting with us had come….There was chicken and pulao on menu….Simple lunch….What struck me odd was that a colleague after he had finished eating,didn’t pick up chicken leftovers from his plate and put in a bowl to make it easy to throw it in dustbin…Keeping the plate in the washing place is simply out of question….He comes from a typical orthodox Bihari family where the males are demi-gods and are not supposed to have manners or etiquette or do anything remotely related to housework. The women are supposed to wash their clothes, clean their leftovers,look after their children while they go out and earn bread. And he tells this proudly too!!! But the point is we maybe spolit kids of our homes but when we go to someone else’s place , we should try and make the best impression.