Detached Father

Few days back, one of my colleagues (from now M) became a father. He wasn’t ready to get married in the arranged manner in the first place. But coming from a orthodox family he got married to a not yet graduate 21 yr old girl, 7 yrs younger to him and got a laptop & cash etc in dowry. We wouldn’t have come to know that his wife was pregnant if one of his friends hadn’t let the cat out of the bag. He wasn’t at all mentally prepared to be a father but that also happened. [This becoming parents within one year of marriage topic..some other day some other post]. Following the traditions, the pregnant wife went to her parent’s home in January and the husband didn’t go to see her once during these last 5-6 months. The baby arrived on 6 June. Again following the traditions the wife will come back in the month of Sawaan (according to Hindu calender). M will go to bring her back then and as he’ll be going then, he isn’t going now to see his newborn son. Instead M’s elder brother and dad are going!! Even when M is having a long vacation right now.
I’m amazed and shocked beyond words!! How can a father not feel the urge, the restlessness to see his newborn especially first born son? How can he not jump onto the next train to visit his wife and baby especially when money and time are no restraints? How can a wife be cool with this type of situation where the father of the child chooses not to come even when circumstances are favourable? How can a tradition allow a wife to become mother without the father and her husband by her side? Even if the wife longs to see her husband or wants him to come she has to suppress her desires because in our society somehow we are discouraged from showing love towards our spouse openly and especially in front of elder people. What type of father will he turn out to be when he doesn’t feel “I should be the first to see the child”? Instead M says “I heard he has taken after me. So what to see now?”

If there were some pressing matters, then I would have understood. But this? I don’t understand at all!! One thing I know I’m not going to compromise to such a situation and keep quiet if my husband is conveniently unavailable at such a crucial time. As if its a burden which only I have to bear!!

I disregard any such traditions and hollow beliefs that don’t let the husband take care of his pregnant wife and thus don’t let the father grow attached to the coming child. And I also don’t think highly of such fathers who just become so for the heck of it and don’t live upto the responsibilties and honour of the relation.

P.S. Image credited to Raissa Davis.

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32 thoughts on “Detached Father

  1. @ Reems,

    Really don’t know what to say about this man! 😡

    But have you noticed that he didnt go even though it was a boy.. had it been a girl, every one would have concluded the behaviour was due to the female gender!

    @ Daroga,

    I agree completely with you. *We change, society changes* 🙂

  2. @Adarsh U r correct. But there are some things wrong in our traditions and if we follow them we do wrong things..sometimes people cant refuse to follow them out of society’s and parental pressure.

    @Sakhi U know just now i came to know there are other men who think he is justified. One of my female colleague’s husband there is nothing wrong in this guy’s attitude. But they will be the first ones to show their right on the kids when decision making time comes e.g which school, which college etc etc.

    @Shoaib Comment on wrong post!! Anyway i’ll comment on urs.

    @Taju I’m just unable to fathom such behaviour.

  3. i think culture provide ups and downs to life so they are necessory but few customs are totally arbitrary which seems to be of no use. This father incident is clearly a stupidity, in my terms it is not a culture nor a tradition it is just following the words of old people of family for their respect.

    Personally, i feel changes should come slowly in generations so this father shouldn’t continue this tradition in upcoming generations. May be he has to follow them due to family restrictions!

  4. I dont understand these traditions. You should junk them.

    Not being with ones pregnant wife just astounds me!!!

    Most traditions we have I can see the point of(Like a christmas or thankgiving feast, or prom night or the forth of july), but that stuff you are talking about is just counterintuitive craziness!!!

    Hopefully you have the option to say “forget that” and reject these (dare I say it?) silly customs.

    And I dont care what my parents would say about anything, I support myself, I am independent of my parents, I make my own decisions and if my parents dont like it too bad for them.

    I love them but, well poo on them if what they say is going to make me miserable and has the added bonus of being just plain WRONG!

  5. Well, I still being a young boy, have no clue on what to comment on this. But as far as I am a human, this man has no heart at all!
    That’s all I can say…!

  6. Actually I don’t think we should blame the guy. I mean he may be just immature and not ready to be a father. He will change, once he sees the child. Or maybe when the child becomes a little older like say one year old. I think some people are not ready to be parents, have no idea about the feeling.
    However that dowry bit sounds unpleasant!!

    And great to have you on wordpress! 🙂
    btw, you need to type your url in the url blog when you comment, i did that for you in your comment on my blog. this way your name will link to the blog.

  7. @Arvind yes thats really bad.

    @Abhinav Welcome to my blog!! Its something like a orthodox mindset that real men dont show emotions or are aloof. some families still believe that men should not cry etc etc. ..and i guess he is just from one of them. As Adarsh says if he protests or decides to express them then only change will be brought. But as I have known him since 3 yrs He is actually not having any such feelings. Hey keep visiting!!

    @Sakhi There are some who just think being a father consists of just making choices for the kid and providing the money for essentials of life.

  8. @Robert yes I have the option and mostly because i’m of other language/region where such customs dont exist. And u know me..woe betide my husband (future) if he dare do this. 😀 😛 Yes thats what. One has to think for oneself that whether this is the right thing to do and consider the other person’s expectations n feelings too.

    @Joel I tend to agree with u. 🙂

    @Nita the dowry bit is most unpleasant. I certainly hope so that he will become more attached n connect with his kid. U know he even holds the view that when one becomes father or mother he/she is justified to not go n inform all near n dear ones abt it!! I mean what crap!! is this some 10th century where we deny that married ppl have sex and have kids??? are we supposed to portray that we r some sort of hydra or amoeba??? Why should we keep it under wraps? I cant believe the centuries old thinking my colleague has. and I do futile attempts to show him he is so wrong. Sigh!
    I didnt quite get the typing url part. if I type my url from http to .com and then i type my comment so the url will automatically take my name and my comment will come out like “Reema (hyperlinked) says”??????

  9. I think because the guy was forced into everything, he does not have the inclination to do anything. I think the “love” is missing when something is forced on us…

  10. also if your not ready to be a parent you shouldnt have a baby, its really not a complicated matter for the most part. 2 forms of birth control(at the same time) will keep one safe.

  11. @Amit yes that maybe the case. U know its the same guy whom I’d caught…remember I once told u in one of my comments on ur post?

    @Robert I agree with u 🙂

  12. Even if I were not pregnant, I would not have my husband and boyfriend not take care of my emotional needs. These needs are bigger to me than any other needs stated by society (security, money, blah blah..)

    It is society, family that is responsible for such insensitive upbringing of guys. 😦

  13. Reema:

    Nita meant your name is not hyperlinked to your blog. If you are logged in while you comment on other WP blogs (and your own!) your name will show with a hyperlink to your blog. This is how to do it:

    In the universal dashboard for your WP login, click on the top right corner on your login name.

    Under Your Profile And Personal Options you will see a choice of Primary Blog. Put your blog name there. Now whenever you are logged into WP, while commenting on other WP blogs, your blog URL will be linked with your name.

    If you are not logged in, you may have to enter your blog URL manually.

  14. @Poonam yes my man has to be emotionally available. Rest of things like paying bills,buying stuff etc I can take care of. :):)And its true that in many families men are expected to be insensitive and showing emtions n stuff is supposed to be girlish.

    @Shefaly Thank u soo much!!! 😀

  15. Such a man who can’t either provide emotional security to her wife or take her and the child’s responsibility is himself a big burden. Why the hell you bring a baby in the world if you don’t want it. And if you feel the wife is a burden and you shy away to accept her in the society, how can you get down to have a physical relationship with her. The entire situation is really disgusting. Such men are real cowards and don’t deserve o be a husband, father, brother, son… or whatever.

  16. @Willow Welcome to my blog!! As Amit rightly said the “love” is really missing I guess. And I guess the baby happened out of negligence of contraceptive use..if it was planned the guy would have been more mentally prepared I think. As for physical relationship thats considered birthright..no..marital right by many guys and thats why marital rape happens.

    @Sakhi 🙂

  17. Oh!!! This is the same guy. Then I am sure that this child was one big mistake. Unless the guy has planned to make his wife’s life hell…

  18. @Reems – I just feel the guy is sick! As a man, you are supposed to take care of your wife and kids whatever it is and even if it is GenX!!

  19. sounds terrible,what bout the child’s future ?

    like nita says “maybe we should give the guy little time”

  20. @Pr3rna Welcome to my blog! A girl who has got married while in college at age of 21 doesnt have that kind of independence financially and support from family to do this. And as I know her personally, she worships her husband…literally. So another “Samjhauta Express” will start in the world of married couples.
    Keep visiting!

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